Dear Mom,
Although the letter is initially supposed to be toward your parents, I can't bring myself to write to my father when I didn't even know him. It's a little hard for me to get through that fact because, honestly, I feel like a lot of my childhood was robbed from me in that sense.
The truth is, 90% of what a girl thinks of herself comes from what her father instills in her - and the trauma of his absence is everywhere I look in the body of my existence. Honestly, before God, it was very hard to believe I had much value at all - whether it was intelligence or general physical attractiveness. Even now, I have those days where I hate the way I look and can't get over the fact that I don't resemble my more beautiful female friends. In fact, I don't doubt that this will haunt me for a majority of my life.
I feel robbed of my childhood mainly because I never got to be any man's little girl. Pop-Pop, while he holds dearest to me and the closest thing to my father that I have, doesn't count. He has his own daughters, and I am not one. And as much as I try to insist that it won't affect who I am in the long run...it will.
Someone else will have to walk me down the isle of my wedding. Someone else will have to take his place in my father-daughter dance.
However...I'm beginning to gain that relationship with other men besides Pop-Pop. Healthy relationships that will take me where I need to go. Bayless, Tom, Harrison, Gabriel, and Cory. My makeshift fathers who each supply me with what I need. Bayless, whom I seek for advice; Tom Schulte for the words of affirmation every daughter needs; and Harrison, Gabriel, and Cory as my dear, trustworthy fatherly-type figures.
The relationships are not necessarily conventional, but they're healthy, nurturing, and will let me grow. I never got my own, personal dad; but in return, I received six men - including Pop-Pop - who can fill that void better than anything else can. For this, I am grateful.
But honestly?
I love you more than you could ever fathom, or imagine that someone my age could love another person. You've had to be a two-in-one, and for that, I love you with all of the love that is yours, and all that I reserved for my father. You're my mother, my dear friend, and my confidant.
I admit, sometimes I'm overly thankful for the other adult women in my life that give me what you do not - Tammy, Cassy, Joanne - but they have their own children. Albeit, sometimes, I need you to be what you cannot; and I know that it causes me to get upset with you and you to get defensive in return, but you cannot understand my position.
You are all I have.
I'm trying to understand that compassion is in short supply with you. You had me at a young age, so it's hard for you to reach out to me as your child in that way, because you were still one when I came to be. However, I need you to understand me too, sometimes.
I don't mean to get so snappy with you. But- and you must understand that this is because I have never been affirmed in myself the way you have from grandpa - the wrong words, no matter how playfully executed, can very deeply affect me.
In terms of raising me, you've done the absolute best that anyone in your position could have done. I'm bright, ambitious, polite, and have many dreams and enough talent to accomplish each of them.
I know there are those moments where you step back and truly evaluate the fact that I really
am the flesh of your flesh; and I have to admit that I'm surprised too.
We're such polar opposites that it's a wonder we get along at all. You can be reserved, quiet, and you think things through before you carry them out. I'm shameless, rambunctious, and go with the flow more than I plan.
Honestly, I think that's where it branches your worry for my future. But all I can say is this:
Don't. My future is secure already, remember? And sometimes, I wish that you would take just
ten minutes to read my work. I think if you did,you'd see that it's advanced for someone who hasn't reached twenty; and you'd understand that everything I say I'm going to do,
will be done.
Finally, I wish you would see yourself the way you need to be seen.
You don't need changing in the slightest to me.
Everything you are, as it stands, is grand.
Love,Jai.
